When I feel alone, my mind floats back to the memory of being with him. He was so affectionate, tender, kind, perfect. But he didn’t want me anymore, and so he couldn’t be mine either. And now he’s happy with someone else. He’s affectionate, tender, kind and perfect to her. He loves her— not me. But he’s still this perfect person in my mind. My first love. And I’m— I’m just the girl he dated before he met the one.
There’s so much in my brain and I don’t even know how to lay it out and just think straight. This is an attempt at clearing my head.
I do most of the stupid things I do because I’m absolutely terrified of being alone. I’m TERRIFIED. And every day I spend alone in my room, that fear creeps back up. And so I watch unreal shows and movies all day and night. I ignore the 1 or 2 people who speak to me (both long distance friends) cos if feel like if I ignore them, I’m somehow in control of my loneliness. If I ignore them, I am the reason I’m alone. Not because everyone here has someone else they’d rather spend time with.
I can’t think of one person that has me as PRIORITY. I’m always choice number 5 and it hurts.
I’m alone. All the time. I need to find where I belong cos right now, it isn’t here.
I spent both yesterday and today completely alone. And yesterday, I swear that at the end of the day I was depressed again. In efforts to make today better, I posted a status on Facebook, stating that I’d been alone all day and that I wanted today to be different. That if anyone had the time, some company would be appreciated. I spent all 24 hours of this day awaiting a response. Not one.
My life’s awesome.
To care so much about one person
And to think about them
And to have them make me laugh and smile.
And I want them to love me too.
Not creepily and obsessively.
Not controlling or selfishly.
I just need someone who cares.
Who will actually fight to be in my life,
Even when I try to push ‘em out
Cos “life gets tough sometimes.”
I want someone to try and show that they care.
Cos I know I’ll always do whatever is in my power to do the very same.