Sheila;

Everytime I post anything about a guy on my profile, it takes a turn for the worst, but seeing as it already has— what’ve I got to lose.
I’ve met a guy. He and I started talking and such almost a month ago now. He goes to my ward, he’s got an amazing convert story, he’s sweet, and to top it all off he’s really handsome.
It all started one Thursday night after our Ward Missionary Night activity, he invited me to it and I finally had the day off so I went. We weren’t companions, but when I got back he asked for my phone number and told me that of there were any other activities and such, he could call or text me. I go home with my friend, and it’s downpouring. That very night, he calls me and asks to stop by. He doesn’t have a car, so he walks— GRANTED it’s not that far, it’s still pouring. When he arrives he tells me his entire life story and enjoys some strawberry shortcake with me. We talk til about 1am and then he’s on his way. The next day, he visits me at work. He keeps me company for a few minutes on my most hectic day. That meant a lot to me.
Saturday rolls around and he calls me and asks me to lunch. We walk to Dairy Queen and munch and talk. Then we walk to the park and he invites me to go to the Manti Pageant with him in June. This gets me excited cos he sees us spending time together in the future.
And on Sunday, he asks if we could walk to church together. We walk there, sit together, walk home, he eats some cinnamon rolls with me, we talk, go to the adult fireside, he comes back to my house again, we watch The Emperor’s New Groove, snuggle, eat dinner, and lastly we kissed. He held me for a few minutes and by then it was already 11pm. He needed to head out to rest for work, and he leaves with a big smile on his face.
Then, he doesn’t see me all week. And he acts like nothing ever happened between us. He doesn’t call me anymore. He won’t even hug me for too long, or sit next to me at church. We never talk, and it hurts. To have a guy pry himself into my life, and the second I’m enjoying it, the second he struck a feeling, there’s nothing.
I really need to focus on school and my future mission. I just called him and asked him if I could talk to him tomorrow and he’s busy again, and he doesn’t understand why I would want to talk. I almost feel like I imagined all of this— like it never happened and I’m just going crazy. I’ll be ok, though. I guess when I see him again, I’ll just ask how he’s been doing and keep it simple. This just hurts. :/

Me: He’s a self-centered, inconsiderate, conceited, cheap, disrespectful jerk. :/

Tyler: I’m sorry, but why do you still talk to him?

Me: I don’t knooooow!! I have a problem. :(

Tyler: Well, you are going to continue getting hurt if you keep talking to him…

Me: The issue is that when we talk on the phone, and most of the time when we’re chillin in person he’s a decent human being and apologizes when he’s a jerk. But through text, he’s a ruthless, inconsiderate monster. I don’t know if it makes him feel superior and if it feels less real to him when he can’t see or hear me hurt. but it hurts me just the same.

Tyler: “the issue is, he’s nice to me and a real gentleman, until he hits me, but then he apologizes, and is nice to me again.” — that message is not that different from this statement.

Me: … :/

This is something really personal to me, and its almost embarrassing, but it has purpose.
Girls— abuse is abuse. Whether it be verbal or physical, it hurts and it’s unacceptable. It’s okay to love others, but love yourself first and foremost.

There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state to another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is but able to experience supreme happiness. What is happiness? It is a feeling of inner peace and satisfaction. It is usually experienced when there are no worries, fears or obsessing thoughts and this usually happens, when we do something we love to do or when we get, gain or achieve something that we value. If somebody says good about us we feel great and if somebody says bad about us our day is ruined. Why we are dependent on external force to be happy? Why we let our happiness be determined by outer forces. We ourselves should take charge of our happiness and well-being of our mental-state. Can it be done? Yes training our mind for it. Many people make the mistake of believing that they don’t deserve happiness and accept their unhappy state as their destiny. The truth of the matter is that happiness, like anything else in life, needs to be nurtured.

Russian – Vladmir Nabokov describes it best: “No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.”